Today I have just posted the last two bunnies I needed to knit for Sands (Still birth and neonatal death charity) So far I’ve raised £166 towards my £200 goal. However as one bunny uses just over half a ball of wool I’m left with odd bit’s that are just not long enough to knit a rabbit so I’m going to put those ends to good use and knit hats for innocent.  I want to knit 1001 hats so I’d best get my knitting head on.

If you want one of my bunnies please donate on my just giving page http://www.justgiving.com/Bowski-bunnies then email me and let me know where to send it. You can also look at http://bowskisbunnies.wordpress.com/ where I’ll have all the knitted bunnies looking for homes listed.

Anyway over the last few weeks there seems to be a general sadness descending over many of my friends on there so I decided that it was time to put my random gifts into action.

I sent my good friend Claire a knitting book and a card to let her know how much  I value her friendship.

I baked a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies (I hope to god that they get there in one piece) to my friend Kirran who has had a set back with her depression following a meeting about her returning to work.

I sent a birthday card and gift  as well as a get well card and gift to a friend who is in hospital and we’re all desperately praying that it’s not a return of her cancer.

The fourth present I sent was to a friend who lives overseas, she always misses creme eggs at Easter so I’ve sent her a dozen creme eggs and a couple of other Easter treats.

I hope all the recipients like their random gifts.

As you’ll have guessed from reading this blog I have issues with my parents and with letting go of things that have upset me. It can literally take months for me to get over things and some things I never get over. They still pop up in my mind and upset me years later. I don’t know if it would help to get the stuff out of my head and into the ether as it were, So I’ve created another blog (you can link to it from the brain dump page at the top) which will probably be melodramatic crap but things need to be removed from my brain so hopefully I can move on.

What are your thoughts blog readers? Do you think the brain dump will work?

Fingers crossed it does!

I decided that as my Nanan misses home baking I’d make a cake for her (see what I’ve done there? Cake making without the calories). I decided on the lovely bitter orange cake (http://tinyurl.com/3rwcdxb) I tested out last week that was lovely. So I duly dragged my arse out of bed first thing and baked a cake so it could cool and be glazed for me to take round later with her special meals on wheels delivery (Ashley and I often cook up an extra portion of what we’re having to take to my Nanan, todays offering was braised lamb shank with mash, green beans and asparagus).

Anyway I took the food round and had a chat with my Nanan. For some reason we got onto the subject of my mum, I confided in her how my mum makes me feel. Well amazingly my Nanan told me all about the horrible things my mum did to her and my Granddad, Some truly horrid stuff. It seems like she’s been a cow since she was a little girl.

The outcome of the chat is that my Nanan has said I can go and cry on her anytime I need to as she understands what my mum is like. So thats a weight off my mind!

I got a rejection letter from the Bradford GTP so I now need to think about a career which isn’t teaching as lets face it thats not going to happen. I thought I’d done well, but obviously not. So now I need to look for a job that pays real money and that I’ll enjoy? Any ideas?

A and I were talking about the general shitness of life and realised that everyone seems totally disinterested in our wedding, both sets of parentals have said why don’t you just go to a registry office and get it over with, (nice huh?) With the way the economy is and A having to work part time as there are fuck all full time jobs out there our plan for getting married this year seem to be slipping away. Neither set of parents will offer us any support in this (financial or otherwise) so we’re now thinking fuck em! Fuck them all, why don’t we just go somewhere amazing just us and get married. Whats the point in having a nice wedding when only the couple getting married want to be there and everyone else is there out of obligation? I wish everyone would just be supportive or at least pretend to give a shit, especially my mum who doesn’t give a shit about anything I do yet I have to pretend to give a shit about all the crap she tells me which is fucking dull. Maybe I should do what she does sound totally disinterested and change the subject. She doesn’t even know I’m off ill at the moment as she’d not care and make me feel worse by being a total bitch about me being ill, Jesus when I told her I had an ear infection a couple of months ago she seemed to think I’d made it up (I only mentioned it as she was telling me her eyes were running and my dad’s finger was swollen and then said she assumed me and A were alright, well I wasn’t so I said that)

Fuck her! Fuck them! Fuck everything! Sometimes I wonder why I bother with anything as it seems totally apparent to me that life hates me and wants me to quit so why the fuck not?

At the moment I’ve been off sick for 3 weeks with a flare up. I’ve not had a serious flare up since 2005 when we moved house. This one just came out of left field and hit me…hard. I have no energy and I’m in massive amounts of pain. I’m also losing the ability to type and write (not good when you work in a school). I’ve just been signed off until after Easter. I can fully admit that normally I’d have gone back next week but since I’ve been put working 1:1 with a devil child which involves me running around after him, physically restraining him and being kicked, hit, bitten and generally abused I know I don’t have the energy for a full morning of that and a full afternoon of intervention groups or whole class teaching. I think I’d make it until playtime before I collapsed in a heap.

I posted my sick not straight from the doctors yesterday and I  also enclosed an NHS info sheet about CFS and work and another one about what CFS is. Hopefully the boss will read these or at least look over them and be slightly more sympathetic when I go back. I doubt it very much but I can hope.

I’m sure when I go back she will make out that I’m incapable of doing my job which is bullshit as I can do the job I applied for HLTA. I can do classroom support and interventions no problem, however having a physically and mentally draining morning with a child who doesn’t want to be at school and will do anything to show that is not helping matters and I can’t do that. I know I’m good with SEN and I know I can calm him and make him easier to work with for everyone else but it’s destroying my health and I need to make sure that I’m alright first. I love my job but it’s no good if thats all there is to my life, thats not a life thats slavery and thats how I feel sometimes. Having CFS and holding down a full time job is a game of sacrifices. You have to chose which part of your life to give up, your job and financial security or your life outside work. I chose to give up my life. If I socialize at the weekend I’m exhausted for a week after. Going to bed past 10 on weeknights and most weekend is also virtually unknown (I’m only awake now as I’ve been in bed all day and am suffering insomnia so can’t sleep at all) I find it hard when I’m being made to feel guilty and told I’m not committed to my job when I’ve given up having a life outside work to make sure I’m there as often as I can be.

I guess I need to make sure I’m up to date with the union just in case I need them to help me fight a battle. Luckily the occupational health team at the council are fab and really supportive so I might see about booking an appointment with them before I go back to get them on my side. I know last time I mentioned to my boss that I’d discussed issues with Occ health she was massively panicked so that might be the way forward and also refusing to have a meeting with her without the union present.

Well at least I have a plan!

I began my journey on the 21st of march 2011 and will end my journey on the 17th of December 2013.

So this will be my massive list of things I want to achieve and hopefully will do.